I think about who I am and who I will be a lot of the time, especially when I’m on my own or in that in-between bit between sleeping and dreams. I think on trains. I think on the job. I think whenever there is a spare second.
Most of all, my thoughts are plagued by a comment an ex left me as he parted, ‘You’ve become so obsessed with all these fictional characters that God knows who you are anymore.’ If I’m being honest, part of me was hurt and the other part of me was, well, kind of happy.
I don’t know if this oncoming admission is at all ‘crazy’ or if most seemingly ‘normal’ people do it but I often watch programmes, read books and listen to songs and without meaning to, become parts of the characters I read about it. I see them as edits.
If I see a character with a trait I like, I try and adopt it into my own life – I edit myself. For instance, although I’ve wanted to write a blog for a while – stresses at work, just wanting a break from a computer and illnesses have stopped me – it is a TV programme called ‘Girls’ which has got me to the point of leaving my flat, buying a coffee and typing this right now.
The main character, Hannah, I identify with a lot. She’s quirky, kinda clever and dresses like she has no care in the world what she looks like. To me, she is a bit real because I can identify with these traits. I know a lot of people can and that’s why shows, like this, are successful – clearly. However, the point is that I’ve taken on part of this character as I have many others in my lifetime.
She doesn’t care what others think too much, she lets people talk to her in whatever way they like for ‘experience’ sake and she has sex, lots of it and doesn’t give a damn about her ‘less than perfect’ figure. These are the points I am trying to adopt. I need these in my life because I do care too much what people think and I do let my own body hang-up destroy parts of it. These need to stop and if it takes a fictional character for me to change then, I guess, that’s what it takes – sad but true.
The original idea behind this post, that I have become a multitude of fictional people can drive me a bit crazy and I do lose my way. I wonder who I actually am but then I realise I only use these characters to emphasise who I want to be and in part, who I already am.
It’d be good to know if anyone else does this?